Packing Up the Pump

This post is about breastfeeding, pumping and everything in between. It may not be suitable reading if you are 1) not a lady, 2) do not have children of your own or 3) blush when hearing the word nipple. I was very unsure about posting this blog, but after spending 8 months breastfeeding I feel that it deserves a post. It is also very hard to write about my emotions without sounding like I am making commentary on formula feeding or long-term breast feeders, but I'm not. The last thing I want to do is make someone else feel bad about their choices. Our society gives moms (and dads) a hard enough time as is; I don't want to add to that. I just want to express my feelings about my experience.

With that said, this post is going to be a huge compilation of thoughts (aka mind dump). Prep yourself...

Thursday, May 1, 2014 is the first day of no pumping! For the last 8 months. I have breastfed and/or pumped milk for our baby every single day since I gave birth. Wow...that is a long time! Let me start by saying this is the most selfless thing I have ever done in my entire life. The sacrifices, time, sweat and tears put into it are far greater than anything else I know. And the benefits are so rewarding. The outcome makes it all worthwhile. Becoming a mother was a blessing in itself, but having the opportunity to provide for my child in this way was an even greater blessing. So many people are not able to breastfeed for whatever reason, and therefore, I feel honored to have been able to do so.

When I first got pregnant, I was petrified of the mere thought of breastfeeding; it was all very unappealing to me. However, I kept an open mind and ear about it. I did my research, discussed it with our OB-GYN and Michael and decided to give it a try. In the hospital, I nursed our daughter about an hour after recovering from my c-section. I spent the next 3 days working with nurses and the baby on getting down the technique. In no way, shape or form, was it easy. I will tell you that right now. It is painful, stressful and exhausting. Neither you nor the baby have a clue in the world what you are doing. Nurses and family members can provide some support, but really it is down to the two of you working together to master the skill. 

In the hospital, I remember thinking we really had nursing down good. Then it seems like you get home and you don't know what in the world you are doing! Trying to teach a newborn to latch is one of the toughest things a woman will ever experience. I would clench my jaw, grasp the pillow, tighten up and have tears rolling down my face, as my daughter would attempt to latch on. The pain I endured was intense and I know it was no easy task for our little one either. The pain, frustration and exhaustion sometimes tempted me to throw in the towel, but I didn't. I kept with it. 

It wasn't just when she was nursing that it affected me either. When my milk would let-down, I felt it. When I took a shower, the water hitting my chest was unbearable pain; I had to shield my engorged breasts and cracked nipples from the water. I remember getting out of the shower and having to hustle to dry off because I was already leaking.  I lived in nursing bras and tank tops, constantly leaking through nursing pads and shirts. For the most part, she ate every 3 hours; so every 3 hours, we were back at it. This also kept me from being out of the house or away from Brooke, because when she was hungry, I had to be there. It was all part of the routine. 

When Brooke was about 1 month old, I tried pumping for the first time, just to see how much milk I was producing. From that moment on, I began pumping, for a number of reasons, but especially because Michael (and other family members) were able to help with feedings, which also gave them a chance to bond more as well. I occasionally nursed, sometimes when I was so tired during nightly feedings or if I was in the need for some special one-on-one time with my sweet daughter! 

Pumping became a part of my day. I would pump about every 3 hours; whenever she ate, I pumped. However, I soon felt like I was having a hard time keeping up with her needs, and began trying everything under the sun to increase my supply. I increased the fiber in my diet; eating more oatmeal and nuts. I drank milk and large amounts of water, also kept caffeine to a minimum. Nothing seemed to do the trick. Then I heard about Fenugreek, a natural supplement that supposedly increases milk supply. Our pediatrician said it wouldn't help; only nipple stimulation would increase you supply. However, my OB-GYN said she has heard a lot of positive feedback. So I gave it a go. Within 2 days, I was storing bags in the freezer! So I kept taking it...for months to come. I took pills 3X daily = 9 pills per day! At first, they made me (and my urine/sweat) smell like maple syrup. I guess it could have been worse, but it took some adjusting to smell like a walking Waffle House!

Going back to work was another big part of this journey. Not only was I a pumping mom, I was a working, pumping mom. I had to pack up and carry the pump with me to and from work everyday. One more bag on top of my purse, laptop bag, lunch and any extra work supplies for events. Mondays and Fridays especially I looked like a crazy bag lady, moving into/out of the office. I was lucky enough to have an office with a door (and a lock) that I could pump whenever I needed. I will never forget the first time I pumped, I was so nervous that someone was going to unexpectedly walk in and I kept looking over to ensure the door was locked. Also wearing a dress to work for the first time made for a very "breezy" pumping session at the office! Nothing else I could do about it but laugh. I was on the on phone one day with my Mallory and she asked me if there was dogs barking! We laughed so hard; it was the sound of my pump in the background. I always kept working while sitting in my locked office, but that was probably the last time I talked to a coworker while pumping!

My "Do Not Disturb" sign at work and
my coworkers knew pumping was in progress.

I got very comfortable with pumping and talking about it too. Never really sure if I ever offended or embarrassed anyone. It was just second nature to me. I would pump at home, in front of almost anyone. I also pumped in a number of unusual places: my office, at least 3 family member's houses and even a deacon's office (after my grandma's funeral)! You gotta do what you gotta do.

Washing bottles and pump parts every, single day got tiring. When Michael got home from Ennis, he sort of took that duty on. THANK GOD! It was so nice having him help do that, as I was already spending so much time pumping (at least 20 minutes, 4-5X daily). 

The comments I heard over the last 8 months in regards to my breastfeeding or pumping from family, friends, coworkers and strangers were not easy. Among the looks and rolling eyes, some people thought I had ulterior motives for pumping: to lose weight, because I got pleasure out of it, to get out of work, etc. Some of the remarks made directly to my face included: 

• You're a pumping fool!
• Are you going to pump until she goes to kindergarten?
• Why don't you quit already?

It was hurtful hearing those comments from loved ones. It was not easy, but I took them all with a grain of salt. Perhaps that person not able to nurse their children, or maybe they didn't have kids of their own and unable to understand the selfless gift I was able to provide to my child. Whatever the case, I tried to take it with a smile and know that deep down in my heart, I was doing the right thing for my me and my baby.

There were a few times I thought about giving up. One point I even considered using donated breast milk rather than supplementing with formula. I know that was a little extreme and we concluded that was not right for us. I never would have guessed that being an option for us, especially considering my initial lack of interest in breastfeeding this time last year. Receiving support from Michael and fellow mommas was the only thing that kept me going as long as I did. It was so easy for others to tell me to "stop already", but they didn't understand. This whole experience has graciously created a bond between Brooke and I that I will be eternally grateful for. 

There is no doubt that I am very emotional about this decision. I knew this day would come, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. For the past few weeks, I have slowly cut back from pumping 5x daily to 3x, and I stopped taking Fenugreek when my last bottle ran out. I was only getting about 5-6 ounces in the morning; after going all night without pumping, I used to top out at 12 ounces. And here lately, I have only been getting about 3 ounces the rest of the day. That is almost nothing, when your baby is drinking 25+ oz a day! It was surely drying up and I knew it was time. Plus I know that Brooke will be able to drink straight formula, as we have tried on a couple occasions and has already been getting a combination of breast milk and formula. She is gradually eating more foods, and will eventually be getting even less milk. She was blessed to have gotten some breast milk for the last 8 months, as the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) suggests at least 6 months for babies. 

Now what in the world am I going to do with that extra time every day? I will probably spend it with Brooke...or maybe sleeping! Every morning I would get up and pump, then get myself ready, before getting Brooke up and ready. During the day, I had to plan my outings and meetings at work around pumping. I often seemed to run late for things, as that 30 minutes it would take to pump would sneak up on me and could not be rescheduled. At night, I would always have to pump before going to sleep. So late nights, being really tired, I still had to pump. Oh...and let's not forget it was just a few months ago, before I could really go all night without pumping. I would spend a good 20-30 minutes pumping before going back to sleep. I think it was hardest when she was only a couple months old old. I had just started pumping so that was all still new to me, plus Brooke was still a newborn. Michael and I would take turns with the nighttime feedings, so when it was my turn, I still had to pump after she finished her bottle. Looking back on it now, that pump and I have been through a LOT! In some sense, pumping has ruled my life for the last 8 months. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. It was always on my mind, wondering when and where I would pump next. Now moving on without this daily chore, to wake up without full, leaking breasts and go to bed when I want to? Perhaps I may even be able to go back to wearing some of my pre-pregnancy bras that haven't fit since I hit my second trimester. To return to that freedom is bittersweet.

Thursday, I went all day with no pumping and seemed okay, so I thought it was going to be smooth sailing. Well Friday afternoon, things took a turn. I was burning up and sweating, along with severe engorgement. I hadn't felt that for months. I took a hot shower to relieve some of the pain, and milk was shooting out (sorry to be graphic)! I still felt so much pressure, I decided I had to pump, despite all the recommendations of quitting cold turkey. I pumped for 5 minutes and got 5 ounces (more than I had gotten in weeks)! However, the milk had a bluish tint and seemed very watery, which was probably my body shutting down the supply. Regardless, I immediately felt better! I even celebrated that evening with a few beers, since I no longer had to worry about the alcohol affecting my milk or having to stay up later to pump. It was well deserved.

It is now Monday, May 5th and I haven't pumped since. I think it dried up for the most part and saying that is so bittersweet. I honestly did not know it was going to be this physically or emotionally hard on me. Again I am grateful for being able to provide for my sweet girl for the last 8 months and I know this was the right decision for us, as I was no longer producing the amount or nourishment she needed. Although I am selfishly glad that I can return to being free of this chore, it was an experience with lots of lessons learned, a roller coaster of emotions for me, Brooke, Michael, family & friends, numerous physical obstacles & triumphs, conversations that I never imagined having, many milk stained bras and shirts, eating extra calories to ensure my supply, really crying over spilled milk, going through multiple freezer storage bags & nursing pads and countless of hours of washing pump parts. There were surely some awkward moments leaving us with no choice but to laugh hysterically and no doubt this journey was full of memories for us all. I constantly relied on God, Brooke, Michael, family, friends and support groups to see me through. I couldn't have done it without them. I am so thankful for this experience and I can only pray for the opportunity to do it again if we are blessed with more children.

And that my friends, is the 100% complete honest truth about it all. Confessions of a pumping mom.

8 months

Brooke is 21.6 pounds per our bathroom scale. She is eating 3 meals per day plus 4 bottles = 12+ oz of baby food and about 26 ounces of milk (formula & breast milk combo). She still won't eat any green vegatables, but has recently tried chicken & apples (and loved it!). She has completely mastered crawling and is standing/pulling up on everything. She started saying "dada" within the last week, as well as babbling an assortment of other sounds. She loves to laugh and squeal and has really found her voice. She is clearly attached to mommy, and will follow me out of the room or crawl from her playroom to the kitchen or bathroom, wherever I may be. Daddy gives her a bath every night and she loves it! She still goes down to sleep about 7-7:30 and stays in bed until at least 8 am. She is taking 2 naps per day; usually a longer nap around 10 am and a shorter nap in the afternoon. She may have had her first cold, along with mommy this past week. She wasn't too fussy, but had some nasal congestion in the morning and was sleeping more than usual. Although it may have been from teething; I keep thinking any day her top teeth are going to cut through but not just yet. She is so good with her hands and grabs everything, including the bow off her head (just to put into her mouth). She is nothing short of a blessing from above and I am so proud to call her mine. She keeps me on my toes and is constantly making me laugh. For example, in her monthly chair pictures, she kept leaning forward out of the chair just to crawl up my lap. It made for an impossible photo shoot, but a great laugh and memory for us, which is what it's all about.

She had two play dates this last month. One with Maryn, who is 11 days older and the other with Lincoln who is 1 month older. It is so much fun seeing our babies interact and how different they all are.

This weekend Brooke got in a park swing for the first time. I was so leery about putting her in without the highchair/shopping cart cover, but I guess we have to introduce her to some germs to build up her immunity. As gross as it was to mommy, she loved it and that made me smile!

Brooke is so blessed to have 3 great grandparents still living and 4 grandparents. Here's 4 generations of the Bayer family.

With Mother's Day right around the corner, I am so blessed to have this wonderful women in my life, as well as Brooke's. I continue to learn from them, lean on them for support and cherish the memories we have together. However, with this celebration, I am also grieving the loss of my sweet Grandmere, who left this world just 6 months ago. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of the special women in our lives and in our hearts!

Baby's First Easter

After a super busy week, it was nice to have a long weekend. We were excited to have a couple play dates with Maryn, who is the daughter of my college friend Lindsay and just 11 days older than Brooke. Lindsay lives in Colorado, so this was the first time for our girls to meet.

Saturday, we visited Michael's family in Deer Park to celebrate Easter. Brooke got a new swimsuit, puzzle and some fun toys from her Mamaw and Papaw. They were fascinated with her motor skills; she was crawling all over the place. She was definitely more curious about their dog, Duke, and his unstoppable "kisses". She got lots of lovin' while we were there, just as Papaw stated "she is about 3/4 rotten". I would have to agree; she is pretty spoiled!

   

Sunday, we woke up early to attend 8:30 mass. It was packed, as to be expected. She did well, although Michael ended up in the overly crowded cry room for the last half and I made a trip to the bathroom with B before it was all over. She had a bottle in church and passed out on the way home. We had french toast, bacon, sausage and bloody mary's at our house for breakfast. After a short nap, we got a few family photos and Brooke played with her gifts from the Easter Bunny. She had a baby-fied version of our annual egg hunt and got a Rocktivity Station, as well as lots of new summer outfits. She had another nap at my parents before heading to my Aunt Amy's house for dinner. It was surely a long weekend, and I think all 3 of us could have used another day to recoup from the holiday!

We were unable to see Auntie Jen and Uncle Mike this weekend, so Jen made a special trip over to our house Monday evening to see her Goddaughter and shower her with Easter presents (a book, swimsuit and more summer clothes).

All in all, it was an EGG-stra special Easter with our sweet pea. No doubt we are beyond blessed!

Crawling, Standing and...Hopping?

By now Brooke has mastered crawling. I still am in awe when I sit back and watch her go. I often reminisce to the days of her being so tiny that she could barely open and close her eyes while I held her in my arms. Oh...how my precious baby has grown (mommy moment)!

April 10^th Grumpy claimed that Brooke was standing in her pack-n-play after a nap, and the next day Brooke was standing up in her crib during her afternoon nap and pulling up on her toys all day long. She would cry after she got up, because once she stood up she didn't know what to do next. It only took a couple days of fear-induced random crying through naps and nighttime for her to figure out that she could sit back down and be just fine. She is now pulling up on everything – in her crib and on her toys. We officially have a mobile baby on our hands! Time to finish baby proofing the house.

   

   

Easter is right around the corner and it seems like she will have just as many wardrobe changes as she did for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Grammy got her an Easter dress and bunny outfit. Great Ga found her an Easter dress. Auntie got her a "chick" outfit, bunny romper, rabbit ears and a tail! And of course, her Mommy had an Easter dress before she was even born. I don’t think there is enough hours in the day for all of these outfits…although you never know! 

With the introduction of solid foods to her diet, all bets are off. Daddy and I definitely keep score with diaper changes these days. I never thought I would say this but I think I prefer the newborn baby blowouts to these new extremely scented and colorful packages that come from our precious angel!

Moving on to bath time, Brooke has upgraded to the tub from the kitchen sink. While she can sit perfectly fine unsupported, you just never know; we decided to get an inflatable tub to make for an easier transition. Daddy gives her a bath almost every night. She loves it! Now that she can sit up and has a little more room, she is getting more curious about playing and splashing around.

Okay, so she hasn't quite mastered "hopping" in time for Easter, but she surely has crawling and pulling up down to a science. We have plans to see the Easter Bunny and have her first egg hunt this weekend. I can't wait! Holidays are even more joyous having her to celebrate with.

7 Months

Our little sweet pea is 7 months today. I fall more in love with her every day. It also never seems to get any easier leaving her. The older she gets, the more we try to venture out and do things with her. Grammy and Grumpy seem to be more adventurous than her own parents. They have done lots of fun activities with Brooke while they care for her during the week. Fieldtrips include her first carousel ride (at Memorial City Mall), lunch/play dates with her auntie or Great Pa & Ga, and it’s rare if there isn’t a weekly Wednesday visit to Carter’s. Brooke went grocery shopping with Mommy and Daddy recently and rode in the grocery cart for the first time! Nosie Rosie was more interested in what was being put in the cart behind her rather than the toy in front of her, not to mention the bright yellow coupons that she kept trying to put in her mouth! 

   

We don’t get out much; Brooke thrives on routine. We have recently made a few changes, due to her adjusted feeding schedule with added baby food, but she still sticks to it! On a typical day, B wakes up at 8-8:30, eats cereal and fruit. She plays for about 1-1.5 hours, then she has a bottle before her morning nap. She sleeps for 1-2 hours, then eats lunch. After some more play time, she has another bottle before her afternoon nap. She sleeps another 1-2 hours. At 5 she has dinner and plays until bedtime. She gets a bath and bottle at 7 pm before she goes down for a solid 12 hours. She is such a good little girl – great eater and wonderful sleeper! I guess she got both of those traits from her parents. We love to eat and sleep, although sleeping in now is staying in bed until 7:30 am, maybe 8 if I’m really feeling crazy on a weekend!

March 23 her first tooth broke through the gums, and the next day the one next to it had followed. She wasn't too fussy. She seemed a little more sleepy than usual and had some mucus-like spit up, due to the extra saliva, but it wasn't bad at all. Brooke has been quite the drooler for the past few months, and all of the monogrammed bibs from Auntie have been extra handy!

She is really starting to practice talking too. She says “gee-gee”, which I think is a sweet reminder of Grandmere (“Gigi”) looking down on all of us. She says “muh” and “tuh” as well. She is absolutely fascinated with peek-a-boo and laughs out loud when mommy throws her hands in there (touchdown-style) or shockingly gasps for air. She has a breakfast, lunch and dinner – combination of cereal and stage 1 fruits/veggies, along with 4 bottles throughout the day (26 ounces). We tried peas again and…she still doesn't like them. Poor thing tried about 4 bites before she realized it was not getting any better. This time she was spitting it out; it was everywhere – hair, ears, cheek, neck, hands, etc! Our little Sweet Pea does NOT like sweet peas, unlike her momma and daddy who LOVE them! Oh well, maybe in a few more weeks, she will change her mind…

She is over 20 pounds now, wearing 9 month clothes and size 3 Pampers. She still sleeps with her lamb wubbanub, glowing seahorse and duck lovey – she loves them all. Some nights I think she stays up and plays with her “friends” while mommy and daddy sleep; in the mornings, all of them are in different corners than where they started the night. Perhaps in comparison to other babies, Brooke may be lacking locks, but she probably has twice as much hair as she did a couple months ago! She is starting to crawl and getting stronger everyday. She started by scooting on her tummy, which she still uses to pivot around. She knows what to do, but for some reason just loves pushing up on her toes (almost seems to be planking) with her rear in the air. I imagine it won't be long before she is walking too; she is just so strong! If there's a toy, phone, laundry basket...anything that she can get her hands on, she will get there! Our little "baby" is growing up.

   

6 months

1/2 Birthday onesie and headband compliments of Auntie Jen

Brooke is halfway to her 1st birthday, 6 months today. It is so crazy to sit back and look at her and think "she is mine". It seems like yesterday that Michael and I were just living a simple life with little responsibility other than work and bills. And just like that, Brooke came into our lives, and all of that changed. There’s no doubt that simple life before being parents was easier, but in no way, shape or form was it as fulfilling as our lives are now. Every day I wake up and look forward to seeing what Brooke is going to do today to make me smile. She fills my heart in a way that I never knew I needed or was ready for.

Right now she is sleeping 12 hours at night, on her tummy with a pacifier, wubbanub and a lovey. She eats about 8 ounces (combination of breast milk & formula) every 3 hours starting at 8 am. She has her bath and bottle every night about 7 pm and goes to bed without a fuss. Sometimes she needs a little comforting about an hour or so after going down – usually getting readjusted in her crib or helping her find the paci does the trick. She reaches for everything; her hand-eye coordination and motor skills are great! She has mastered sitting up unsupported and is so proud of herself when she is standing (with some support). She turns her head and smiles to familiar voices and faces. She loves riding the horsey and mumbling one-syllable noises (“mmm” and “buhh”). We are working on “momma” and “dada”, sign language too. She still loves “1,2, Buckle my shoe” and her Sophie toy. Her toys that light up and play music she really gets enjoyment out of. Simple things like water bottles and burp clothes really seem to excite her too! She is rolling and scooting all around, especially in her crib. It won’t be long before we have a crawler on our hands. She is in size 3 diapers and mostly in 6-9 month clothes. She has a matching headband for almost every outfit (definitely an obsession her auntie and mommy have taken on). She has tried rice cereal and sweet potatoes, but is not eating regularly just yet. She knows the spoon goes in her mouth and she is desperate to eat, but she is still unsure about the texture of this new “stuff” going in her mouth. I am confident it won’t take long before she loves it! Soon we will introduce a sippy cup and see how she does training with that.

Michael is home from Ennis (we are so thrilled that he is back) and was able to go to the doctor's appointment with us today; it was his first time to meet her pediatrician. We were so happy to go together for her 6 month check up. The doctor is so pleased with the way her eczema looks now; we are using hydrocortisone lotion and Curel twice daily. She weighs 19 pounds and 3 ounces (92nd percentile), 26.5" long (76th percentile) and head circumference of 17.3". She is one healthy baby girl! She got 5 vaccines at today's visit. It broke my heart to hear her cry as they pricked her leg 4 times! She reached for her mommy and had tears rolling down her face. Seconds later she was fine, and actually was full of smiles the rest of the day!

We are truly blessed to not only have this sweet girl in our lives, but to have such a good baby. We couldn’t ask for more. Every day I wake up and my heart is full. I am so grateful for this life and enjoy every day with my family. It is bittersweet to think that our little girl is 6 months and while she is still a “baby”, she is growing up before our eyes. I love seeing her learn new things and embrace her personality. She is the perfect combination of Michael and I. We are so proud of her and love her to pieces. Looking forward to many more milestones.

Ready to crawl

Big weekend for a big girl

Just a few days shy of 6 months, this weekend Brooke celebrated a lot of firsts. She had her first ride in the stroller, without the car seat.

She rolled over from her tummy to her back! She has been rolling over to her tummy for weeks now, but has yet to make it over the other way. On Friday, Grumpy said she rolled over during her nap but he didn't see it. We were still a little unsure, until Saturday morning, I went to get her out of her crib and when she was on her tummy lifting up, she rolled over to her back. She looked more surprised than excited, but nonetheless it was such a happy moment to see our little one reach another milestone. And Daddy was watching on the monitor and got to see it too!

She had her first taste of solid foods, sweet potatoes. She has been beyond curious of food - watching us eat, reaching for everything on the kitchen table, attempting to drink Grammy's tea, putting anything she can into her mouth and showing us she knows how to use a baby spoon. She was so excited when we put her in her highchair and she saw the spoon purposely going towards her mouth, but I'm not sure she was so keen on what was going in. We are going to try a few bites for the next couple days, and then we may move on to something else. Plus we have a doctor's appointment next week and will see what suggestions the doctor has to offer.

It was such a nice day outside. We went to have pizza at Grimaldis at La Centerra, then for cupcakes. It was Brooke's first visit to Ooh La La Dessert Boutique, although she has had it many times unbeknownst to her. Daddy fed her a bottle while Mommy picked out cupcakes. She looked too cute in her polka dots not to take advantage of the photo opp.

Oh...and our little angel, who has mastered sitting up on her own, is already trying to stand. Bittersweet!

It goes without saying that she means everything (and then some) to me. I can't thank God enough for putting her into our world. How irrelevant everything before her now seems.