With that said, this post is going to be a huge compilation of thoughts (aka mind dump). Prep yourself...
Thursday, May 1, 2014 is the first day of no pumping! For the last 8 months. I have breastfed and/or pumped milk for our baby every single day since I gave birth. Wow...that is a long time! Let me start by saying this is the most selfless thing I have ever done in my entire life. The sacrifices, time, sweat and tears put into it are far greater than anything else I know. And the benefits are so rewarding. The outcome makes it all worthwhile. Becoming a mother was a blessing in itself, but having the opportunity to provide for my child in this way was an even greater blessing. So many people are not able to breastfeed for whatever reason, and therefore, I feel honored to have been able to do so.
When I first got pregnant, I was petrified of the mere thought of breastfeeding; it was all very unappealing to me. However, I kept an open mind and ear about it. I did my research, discussed it with our OB-GYN and Michael and decided to give it a try. In the hospital, I nursed our daughter about an hour after recovering from my c-section. I spent the next 3 days working with nurses and the baby on getting down the technique. In no way, shape or form, was it easy. I will tell you that right now. It is painful, stressful and exhausting. Neither you nor the baby have a clue in the world what you are doing. Nurses and family members can provide some support, but really it is down to the two of you working together to master the skill.
In the hospital, I remember thinking we really had nursing down good. Then it seems like you get home and you don't know what in the world you are doing! Trying to teach a newborn to latch is one of the toughest things a woman will ever experience. I would clench my jaw, grasp the pillow, tighten up and have tears rolling down my face, as my daughter would attempt to latch on. The pain I endured was intense and I know it was no easy task for our little one either. The pain, frustration and exhaustion sometimes tempted me to throw in the towel, but I didn't. I kept with it.
It wasn't just when she was nursing that it affected me either. When my milk would let-down, I felt it. When I took a shower, the water hitting my chest was unbearable pain; I had to shield my engorged breasts and cracked nipples from the water. I remember getting out of the shower and having to hustle to dry off because I was already leaking. I lived in nursing bras and tank tops, constantly leaking through nursing pads and shirts. For the most part, she ate every 3 hours; so every 3 hours, we were back at it. This also kept me from being out of the house or away from Brooke, because when she was hungry, I had to be there. It was all part of the routine.
When Brooke was about 1 month old, I tried pumping for the first time, just to see how much milk I was producing. From that moment on, I began pumping, for a number of reasons, but especially because Michael (and other family members) were able to help with feedings, which also gave them a chance to bond more as well. I occasionally nursed, sometimes when I was so tired during nightly feedings or if I was in the need for some special one-on-one time with my sweet daughter!
Pumping became a part of my day. I would pump about every 3 hours; whenever she ate, I pumped. However, I soon felt like I was having a hard time keeping up with her needs, and began trying everything under the sun to increase my supply. I increased the fiber in my diet; eating more oatmeal and nuts. I drank milk and large amounts of water, also kept caffeine to a minimum. Nothing seemed to do the trick. Then I heard about Fenugreek, a natural supplement that supposedly increases milk supply. Our pediatrician said it wouldn't help; only nipple stimulation would increase you supply. However, my OB-GYN said she has heard a lot of positive feedback. So I gave it a go. Within 2 days, I was storing bags in the freezer! So I kept taking it...for months to come. I took pills 3X daily = 9 pills per day! At first, they made me (and my urine/sweat) smell like maple syrup. I guess it could have been worse, but it took some adjusting to smell like a walking Waffle House!
Going back to work was another big part of this journey. Not only was I a pumping mom, I was a working, pumping mom. I had to pack up and carry the pump with me to and from work everyday. One more bag on top of my purse, laptop bag, lunch and any extra work supplies for events. Mondays and Fridays especially I looked like a crazy bag lady, moving into/out of the office. I was lucky enough to have an office with a door (and a lock) that I could pump whenever I needed. I will never forget the first time I pumped, I was so nervous that someone was going to unexpectedly walk in and I kept looking over to ensure the door was locked. Also wearing a dress to work for the first time made for a very "breezy" pumping session at the office! Nothing else I could do about it but laugh. I was on the on phone one day with my Mallory and she asked me if there was dogs barking! We laughed so hard; it was the sound of my pump in the background. I always kept working while sitting in my locked office, but that was probably the last time I talked to a coworker while pumping!
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| My "Do Not Disturb" sign at work and my coworkers knew pumping was in progress. |
I got very comfortable with pumping and talking about it too. Never really sure if I ever offended or embarrassed anyone. It was just second nature to me. I would pump at home, in front of almost anyone. I also pumped in a number of unusual places: my office, at least 3 family member's houses and even a deacon's office (after my grandma's funeral)! You gotta do what you gotta do.
Washing bottles and pump parts every, single day got tiring. When Michael got home from Ennis, he sort of took that duty on. THANK GOD! It was so nice having him help do that, as I was already spending so much time pumping (at least 20 minutes, 4-5X daily).
The comments I heard over the last 8 months in regards to my breastfeeding or pumping from family, friends, coworkers and strangers were not easy. Among the looks and rolling eyes, some people thought I had ulterior motives for pumping: to lose weight, because I got pleasure out of it, to get out of work, etc. Some of the remarks made directly to my face included:
- You're a pumping fool!
- Are you going to pump until she goes to kindergarten?
- Why don't you quit already?
It was hurtful hearing those comments from loved ones. It was not easy, but I took them all with a grain of salt. Perhaps that person not able to nurse their children, or maybe they didn't have kids of their own and unable to understand the selfless gift I was able to provide to my child. Whatever the case, I tried to take it with a smile and know that deep down in my heart, I was doing the right thing for my me and my baby.
There were a few times I thought about giving up. One point I even considered using donated breast milk rather than supplementing with formula. I know that was a little extreme and we concluded that was not right for us. I never would have guessed that being an option for us, especially considering my initial lack of interest in breastfeeding this time last year. Receiving support from Michael and fellow mommas was the only thing that kept me going as long as I did. It was so easy for others to tell me to "stop already", but they didn't understand. This whole experience has graciously created a bond between Brooke and I that I will be eternally grateful for.
There is no doubt that I am very emotional about this decision. I knew this day would come, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. For the past few weeks, I have slowly cut back from pumping 5x daily to 3x, and I stopped taking Fenugreek when my last bottle ran out. I was only getting about 5-6 ounces in the morning; after going all night without pumping, I used to top out at 12 ounces. And here lately, I have only been getting about 3 ounces the rest of the day. That is almost nothing, when your baby is drinking 25+ oz a day! It was surely drying up and I knew it was time. Plus I know that Brooke will be able to drink straight formula, as we have tried on a couple occasions and has already been getting a combination of breast milk and formula. She is gradually eating more foods, and will eventually be getting even less milk. She was blessed to have gotten some breast milk for the last 8 months, as the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) suggests at least 6 months for babies.
There were a few times I thought about giving up. One point I even considered using donated breast milk rather than supplementing with formula. I know that was a little extreme and we concluded that was not right for us. I never would have guessed that being an option for us, especially considering my initial lack of interest in breastfeeding this time last year. Receiving support from Michael and fellow mommas was the only thing that kept me going as long as I did. It was so easy for others to tell me to "stop already", but they didn't understand. This whole experience has graciously created a bond between Brooke and I that I will be eternally grateful for.
There is no doubt that I am very emotional about this decision. I knew this day would come, but I had no idea that it would be this hard. For the past few weeks, I have slowly cut back from pumping 5x daily to 3x, and I stopped taking Fenugreek when my last bottle ran out. I was only getting about 5-6 ounces in the morning; after going all night without pumping, I used to top out at 12 ounces. And here lately, I have only been getting about 3 ounces the rest of the day. That is almost nothing, when your baby is drinking 25+ oz a day! It was surely drying up and I knew it was time. Plus I know that Brooke will be able to drink straight formula, as we have tried on a couple occasions and has already been getting a combination of breast milk and formula. She is gradually eating more foods, and will eventually be getting even less milk. She was blessed to have gotten some breast milk for the last 8 months, as the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) suggests at least 6 months for babies.
Now what in the world am I going to do with that extra time every day? I will probably spend it with Brooke...or maybe sleeping! Every morning I would get up and pump, then get myself ready, before getting Brooke up and ready. During the day, I had to plan my outings and meetings at work around pumping. I often seemed to run late for things, as that 30 minutes it would take to pump would sneak up on me and could not be rescheduled. At night, I would always have to pump before going to sleep. So late nights, being really tired, I still had to pump. Oh...and let's not forget it was just a few months ago, before I could really go all night without pumping. I would spend a good 20-30 minutes pumping before going back to sleep. I think it was hardest when she was only a couple months old old. I had just started pumping so that was all still new to me, plus Brooke was still a newborn. Michael and I would take turns with the nighttime feedings, so when it was my turn, I still had to pump after she finished her bottle. Looking back on it now, that pump and I have been through a LOT! In some sense, pumping has ruled my life for the last 8 months. It was the first thing I did in the morning and the last thing I did at night. It was always on my mind, wondering when and where I would pump next. Now moving on without this daily chore, to wake up without full, leaking breasts and go to bed when I want to? Perhaps I may even be able to go back to wearing some of my pre-pregnancy bras that haven't fit since I hit my second trimester. To return to that freedom is bittersweet.
Thursday, I went all day with no pumping and seemed okay, so I thought it was going to be smooth sailing. Well Friday afternoon, things took a turn. I was burning up and sweating, along with severe engorgement. I hadn't felt that for months. I took a hot shower to relieve some of the pain, and milk was shooting out (sorry to be graphic)! I still felt so much pressure, I decided I had to pump, despite all the recommendations of quitting cold turkey. I pumped for 5 minutes and got 5 ounces (more than I had gotten in weeks)! However, the milk had a bluish tint and seemed very watery, which was probably my body shutting down the supply. Regardless, I immediately felt better! I even celebrated that evening with a few beers, since I no longer had to worry about the alcohol affecting my milk or having to stay up later to pump. It was well deserved.
It is now Monday, May 5th and I haven't pumped since. I think it dried up for the most part and saying that is so bittersweet. I honestly did not know it was going to be this physically or emotionally hard on me. Again I am grateful for being able to provide for my sweet girl for the last 8 months and I know this was the right decision for us, as I was no longer producing the amount or nourishment she needed. Although I am selfishly glad that I can return to being free of this chore, it was an experience with lots of lessons learned, a roller coaster of emotions for me, Brooke, Michael, family & friends, numerous physical obstacles & triumphs, conversations that I never imagined having, many milk stained bras and shirts, eating extra calories to ensure my supply, really crying over spilled milk, going through multiple freezer storage bags & nursing pads and countless of hours of washing pump parts. There were surely some awkward moments leaving us with no choice but to laugh hysterically and no doubt this journey was full of memories for us all. I constantly relied on God, Brooke, Michael, family, friends and support groups to see me through. I couldn't have done it without them. I am so thankful for this experience and I can only pray for the opportunity to do it again if we are blessed with more children.
And that my friends, is the 100% complete honest truth about it all. Confessions of a pumping mom.
Thursday, I went all day with no pumping and seemed okay, so I thought it was going to be smooth sailing. Well Friday afternoon, things took a turn. I was burning up and sweating, along with severe engorgement. I hadn't felt that for months. I took a hot shower to relieve some of the pain, and milk was shooting out (sorry to be graphic)! I still felt so much pressure, I decided I had to pump, despite all the recommendations of quitting cold turkey. I pumped for 5 minutes and got 5 ounces (more than I had gotten in weeks)! However, the milk had a bluish tint and seemed very watery, which was probably my body shutting down the supply. Regardless, I immediately felt better! I even celebrated that evening with a few beers, since I no longer had to worry about the alcohol affecting my milk or having to stay up later to pump. It was well deserved.
It is now Monday, May 5th and I haven't pumped since. I think it dried up for the most part and saying that is so bittersweet. I honestly did not know it was going to be this physically or emotionally hard on me. Again I am grateful for being able to provide for my sweet girl for the last 8 months and I know this was the right decision for us, as I was no longer producing the amount or nourishment she needed. Although I am selfishly glad that I can return to being free of this chore, it was an experience with lots of lessons learned, a roller coaster of emotions for me, Brooke, Michael, family & friends, numerous physical obstacles & triumphs, conversations that I never imagined having, many milk stained bras and shirts, eating extra calories to ensure my supply, really crying over spilled milk, going through multiple freezer storage bags & nursing pads and countless of hours of washing pump parts. There were surely some awkward moments leaving us with no choice but to laugh hysterically and no doubt this journey was full of memories for us all. I constantly relied on God, Brooke, Michael, family, friends and support groups to see me through. I couldn't have done it without them. I am so thankful for this experience and I can only pray for the opportunity to do it again if we are blessed with more children.
And that my friends, is the 100% complete honest truth about it all. Confessions of a pumping mom.
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